(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
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A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.