Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
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Netflix and awkward silence?
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.