nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
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the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
sin harder.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog