add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
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If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done