At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
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Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”