Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
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1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
I’m not stressed
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Candid photo of me, eating chips.