My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
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Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.