if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
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[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Morning.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen