Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
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We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.