I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
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When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
no one likes gloating
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.