[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
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Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Doug is just Canadian for dog
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.