I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
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Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost