I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
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Mmmm canned fish.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…