I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
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Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely