Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
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If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
oh you wanna fight?!
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!