When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
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90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.