Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
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*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore