Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
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Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it