Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
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Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
The hardest thing Vision has to do
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁