Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
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Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
cats when you pet them too long:
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about