If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
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[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Taking phone security to the next level.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher