police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
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Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
#merica
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
“no gods no masters” = leo
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
is this a warning or an offer?
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…