*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
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“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
pizza
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously