I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
You Might Also Like
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Holy crap this is wonderful
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/