Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
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Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
if my sleeping schedule was a person
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”