Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
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The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Boy never ceases to amaze me
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine