Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
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“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.