Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
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Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg