My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
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I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.