When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
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Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I want what they have
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud