ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
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We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
đź‘€
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?