You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
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The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.