I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
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Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.