Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
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If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I enjoy a good short stor
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.