first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
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Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
I feel it
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh