Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
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My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?