A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
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My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
I have a black belt in leather
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct