Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
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I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
💯😂