Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
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Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.