america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
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Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
How times have changed.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?