I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
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Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Not all heroes wear capes…
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?