My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
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Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.