I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
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Clients after you give them your rates
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
how to have fun when you’re poor
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?