[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
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If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard