“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
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I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.