Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
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Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
How to find Kentucky on a map
liiiiiiiiike
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Lol
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.