“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
You Might Also Like
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
me and who
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat