Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
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Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Dietest Coke
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are