If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
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*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
💻🤡
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My flabber has been gasted.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
We decided to have money instead of children.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys