[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
You Might Also Like
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Feel. He’s so soft.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.